I Refuse to Be My Own Enemy: Why Forgiving Yourself Matters

It’s strange but true that sometimes, the hardest person to forgive is the one staring back at us in the mirror. We can often find compassion for other people—understanding where their actions came from, finding grace for the pain they were in, or maybe accepting that they were doing the best they could. But when it comes to forgiving ourselves, forget about it. We hold ourselves to impossibly high standards and struggle to extend the same understanding and kindness that we do to others inward to ourselves.

This winter, I’ve been feeling the weight of this struggle. I found myself haunted by the harm I’ve unintentionally caused to other people over the course of my life, the moments of regret clinging to my heart as if put there with crazy glue. The things I did as a (well-meaning) adolescent and young adult replaying in my mind… And although part of me says, “c’mon, this is nothing! Everyone’s done stuff like this”, another part of me says “It’s not okay.” I’ve hurt people and I’ve made choices that I wish I could undo, and it’s these moments when I acted out of my own wounds and desires, or maybe simply my humanness, that have been occupying my mind.

I think back to those times when I was blinded by my own pain… the moments when I acted from my wounds, not from my heart. I remember when I cheated on a boyfriend, chasing something outside of myself that I couldn’t find inside. I couldn’t fully appreciate the love I had with him because I was drawn to the familiar air of emotional unavailability (having been cheated on by others in years past) and well, he wasn’t that at all. Or the time, as a young teenager, when I was peer-pressured into slapping another girl just to fit in—yes, slapping—an action so unlike the person I was and wanted to be, yet one I chose in a moment of confusion and desperation.

These moments, and others, have left me with guilt not only for what I did but for what led me there: the choices, beliefs, and behaviors that came from deeper wounds. I’ve often asked myself, “How could I have done that? How could I cause harm when I try so hard to be a loving person?” But the reality is, I did. We all do at some point. We act from our wounds, from our fears, from our unmet needs, and from places that don’t always reflect our best and truest selves.

I Refuse to Be My Own Enemy

It’s so easy to look back on mistakes we’ve made and ways we’ve hurt others and use that as ammunition to criticize, loathe, and hold ourselves in contempt. But, I refuse to be my own enemy and I hope you do too. Because despite the heaviness of the memories I hold, I’ve come to realize something important: If I cannot forgive myself, I am choosing to stay chained to those moments, unable to move forward.

If I cannot forgive myself, I am choosing to stay chained to those moments, unable to move forward.

Self-forgiveness isn’t about erasing what’s been done; it’s not about making excuses, and it’s not about absolving ourselves without accountability. It’s about refusing to be an enemy to our own hearts. It’s about seeing with compassion the parts of us that made those choices—the parts that were lost, hurting, or trying to find love and safety in all the wrong (but well-meaning) ways. It’s a pathway back to the heart and a way of saying, “I will not abandon myself, even in the darkest corners of my past.” The alternative is remaining stuck in a cycle of shame and guilt, pushing the parts of us that need the most love even deeper into the shadows. And that, I know, doesn’t serve you, me, or anyone we come into contact with.

So, what if we offered ourselves the same grace we so willingly extend to others? What if we whispered to our own hearts:

"I forgive you for the times you were unkind, when you didn’t know better. I forgive you for being temporarily blinded by your own wounds, for the harm you caused when you were just trying to find your way. I see you, and I love you still."

“I love you still.” I don’t know four more powerful words than those.

Imagine the relief, the lightness, the softening that can come from those words… from knowing that no matter your past mistakes and harm you caused to others, you are still loved. Unconditionally loved, no matter what. Freed from the chains of shame and self-blame and able to step back into the warmth of your heart.

Let’s Have Compassion for Our Humanness

In our humanness, it’s so easy to stray from who we really are in our heart and soul. We fall, make mistakes, and sometimes act in ways that don’t reflect who we truly are or want to be. But, this is part of being human. We all fall. We all make mistakes. And in the falling, there is a chance for grace, for understanding, for forgiveness—to see our own humanity with tenderness, not with eyes of loathing.

I didn’t only forgive myself once. I continue to forgive myself over and over again. Because self-forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s a daily practice. It’s the decision to stop being at war with ourselves and to return, over and over again, to the softness of our own hearts. It’s about acknowledging that, yes, you’ve caused pain, but you are also capable of incredible love, kindness, and positive contributions to the world. And I know that you— yes, you— have positively contributed to this world too.

Self-forgiveness is the decision to stop being at war with ourselves and to return, over and over again, to the softness of our own hearts.

In the end, forgiving ourselves is about choosing not to let that harm you caused define you any longer. It’s about moving forward with love, making amends where you can, and holding yourself with the compassion you deeply crave.

Because true freedom doesn’t come from being perfect—it comes from the courage to embrace your flawed humanity with love. It comes from saying, “I see you, I forgive you, and I will not abandon you.” It’s a way of coming home to yourself, freeing your heart from the chains of the past, and allowing yourself to truly live.

True freedom doesn’t come from being perfect—it comes from the courage to embrace your flawed humanity with love.

 

Whether it’s through one-on-one work or in the supportive space of my Heart Share Circles, I invite you to take this journey of self-forgiveness alongside me. We can venture into this tender process together. We can learn to hold the pain gently, see ourselves with compassion, and walk the path of forgiveness, hand in hand.

With love,