Drop the Armor: How to Soften a Guarded Heart

The masks we wear, the shields we raise, the armor we carefully construct around our hearts—they work. They work incredibly well. They keep us safe from the sting of judgment, shield us from the vulnerability of being open, and protect us from the ache of past wounds that haven’t fully healed. With our walls up, we lessen the risk that we’ll ever be betrayed, mistreated, or wronged in some way.

But over time, sporting our masks, shields, and armor also comes at a cost.

The very walls that keep us safe also keep us distanced from the beauty of connection, the warmth of friendship, and the sweetness of love—both with others and with ourselves. The deeper I journey into my own heart, the clearer it becomes: at some point, the price of being guarded becomes too high to keep my masks on and my armor shiny.

If you’re anything like me and you find yourself yearning to experience the benefits of dropping your armor and softening your heart– things like authenticity, vulnerability, empathy, trust, and the kind of connection that makes life feel juicy and alive—you’re in the right place.

Let’s talk about how we can begin to let go, step by step, of the armor that once served us but now holds us back, starting with understanding how our protective armor develops in the first place.

What’s in Your Protective Armor, Anyway?

I’ve got ‘em. You’ve got ‘em. We’ve all got ‘em. Parts of us that arose in order to protect us, to help us feel loved, to help us belong, to help us survive, and to shield us from pain, especially during our formative years. These “protective parts” were shaped by the environments we grew up in—by the messages we received, the unspoken rules we followed, and the beliefs we inherited. In psychology and Internal Family Systems (IFS), we often refer to these parts as “protectors” or “managers” because they keep us safe in the best way they know how.

Think back to your own childhood. What beliefs did you learn about what it meant to be loved or accepted? In many families, love feels conditional. It might mean doing certain things that are acceptable to others and please others and avoiding things that don’t. Our young minds absorb these messages deeply, and the protective parts within us begin to form.

For example, in the family and culture I grew up in, there were certain unspoken expectations that if fulfilled, equated to love and belonging. If I was smart and set myself up for achievement by getting good grades, by waking up early (even on weekends), and by reading more and playing less, my behavior was praised and celebrated. My grandfather (bless his heart and soul), a former soldier in the Soviet army, commended me every weekend upon hearing from my parents that I was awake before the rest of the family. In my mind of a child, I was waking up early because I knew that “Bananas in Pajamas” was on tv at 7am. But I’ve been waking up early ever since, because that’s what stuck within me unconsciously– that waking up early, even on weekends, means that I am "good" in the eyes of others and that I am loved, especially by my grandfather who I loved so much.

 

If I was imperfect and made mistakes, I was criticized (sometimes jokingly, sometimes seriously) and it was clear that I let others down, so quickly my internal system learned that it needed to try and maintain perfection (whatever that means, right!?) and to avoid making mistakes at all costs. I remember, all through grade school, feeling that my grades were never good enough… that a 90 or 95% on a test was just not good enough. It has been quite the journey to work with my “perfectionistic protector” (we’ll talk about how to work with our protectors in just a little bit...) and to become more and more okay with getting a near-perfect grade on an exam, or the adult equivalent of doing a good or great job but not going ‘above and beyond’ at home or at work.

Maybe, like me, you learned that having a lean body or certain body shape equated to love. Not only did the magazines encourage it, but my own immediate family complimented me every time I lost weight. Compliments on weight loss became reinforcement, while disapproving looks at any perceived “imperfection” chipped away at self-worth. Did my family mean harm? No, of course not. Are my stories and awarenesses meant to blame them? No, not at all. Everyone is always doing the best they can with the awareness that they have at the time, and my parents and their friends were too (I love and forgive you all). Nevertheless, my nervous system adopted certain behaviors in adolescence (like dieting, wearing corsets, obsessively looking at myself in the mirror, etc) and adulthood (like never being satisfied with my appearance, making daily trips to the gym, judging my physique, etc) to ensure its lovability and belonging well into the future. And without realizing it, I internalized these messages, developing a voice of inner criticism, shaming myself so that I didn’t do things that would lead me to be criticized by others, i.e., to hear the voice of my parents or of that commercial telling me my body shape and size were no good… that I, therefore, was no good. This protector within me judged my appearance harshly in an attempt to stay “good enough.”

Until I did something about it.

How to Soften Your Armor

We all have these parts inside of us called ‘protectors’, and I hope it’s clear from the examples and descriptions above that though they may seem mean, hurtful, tough, and sabotaging at times, they really do want the best for us. They don’t want us to get hurt again, to feel like we don’t belong again, to feel unloved again, to feel broken-hearted even one more time, and so they do what they think they need to do to protect us.

Beneath the surface, they’re longing for the same thing every other part of us desires—love, acceptance, and understanding. So rather than arguing, fighting with, or trying to willfully break down your armor, let's try a different approach.

1. Honor and Respect Your Armor

To honor and respect your protective part is to give it as much respect as you would give one of your lovey-dovey good-feeling parts. It’s to acknowledge the ways it's supported you, and to recognize that its intention has been about nothing but being there for you, making sure that you're okay, and ensuring that you don’t get overwhelmed by negative experiences and emotions. Honoring them is a way of recognizing their purpose without judgment, allowing you to see them not as obstacles but as allies who have done their best.

 

 

2. Listen with Curiosity, Sans Judgment

Take a moment to sit quietly with these parts of you. Get curious about what they’re protecting. What fears or past hurts do they carry? Let them express to you whatever those are.

As you listen, do it without jumping to conclusions or forming strong opinions. Let this part of you know that you know it’s been there for you all this time and then really listen to it. Create space, and just listen. Hear its stories and acknowledge, with your attention, the validity and significance of every action this part of you has taken on your behalf and every choice it’s made to support you in the best way it could. Often, beneath the armor, there’s a younger, vulnerable part of you, longing to be seen and heard. Simply listening can begin to soften the edges of that armor.

3. Value, Include, and Appreciate Your Protectors

Take a moment to really think about what life would have been like without this protector by your side. Rather than focusing on the (often) misguided ways by which it went about protecting you, focus on the fact that it’s been protecting and shielding you from pain and showing such loyalty. There's so much to be grateful for when you realize that it’s never backed down when it came to having your back. Open your heart to this part of you like no one ever has before. Love it. Love it. And then love it some more. It may look tough on the outside, but remember– this part wants the very same thing all of your other parts want– the L. O. V. E. and acceptance it hasn't ever received.

Love it. Love it. And then love it some more. It may look tough on the outside, but remember– it wants the very same thing all of your other parts want– L. O. V. E.

4. Support It in Taking on a New Role

Here’s the beautiful part: When working with protective parts of myself or my clients, the most fascinating thing that I find, time and time again, is that our protective parts don’t actually want to be tough all the time. They just think that being ‘the tough guy’ is the only way to accomplish what it’s been doing. But it doesn’t want to be ‘the tough guy’. When it feels truly seen, valued, and appreciated, it's often willing to explore new roles. Invite it to imagine what else it might enjoy doing, now that it doesn’t need to keep its guard up constantly (because hey, after all, you can help take care of those hurt, vulnerable parts or previous versions of you). Maybe your “perfectionist” protector would rather spend time creating or playing. Maybe your “people pleaser” would like to relax and explore new hobbies. Let them step into roles that bring joy rather than pressure. And because a lot of your armor arose in childhood, it’s not unlikely that your protected parts will want to do child-like things and have fun in child-like ways. (When my parts take on a new role, oftentimes there are balloons, bubbles, slides, and other fun things involved!)

Your Turn

What’s your protective armor? What beliefs, values, and biases did you take on as a child to help you fit in and feel loved? Spend some time with yourself, uncovering these ‘hard-on-the-outside’ parts that have played out strategies for you your entire life. Then, go on and try to relate to your protective armor using the steps above. Go at your own pace and remember, getting to know what’s on the inside eventually opens up a way of being that invites you to soften your long-held armor just a little bit.

And, as you begin to soften your armor, you may find that a new way of being starts to emerge—a way that allows you to feel safe and open, connected and free. This journey isn’t about tearing down your walls overnight; it’s about gently meeting yourself, layer by layer, with compassion. It’s about inviting each part of you into a space of love and acceptance.

What I love most about the awareness and steps I outline in this article is not only that they can help you to understand and relate to yourself better, but they can help you to understand and relate better to a friend, partner, colleague, or anyone else who may be holding up some armor of their own (and let’s be real– we’ve all got some armor…) Whether it’s a partner, a friend, or even a colleague, remember that we’re all carrying some form of protection. This understanding can deepen your empathy and create room for genuine connection—because, let’s face it, we all have our own defenses.

Have you tried relating to your own protected parts or to those of a friend, partner, or colleague using the guidance in this article? If so, let us know about it in the comments below. And, if this resonates with you, I invite you to join me on this journey of softening. In my one-on-one sessions and Heart Share Circles, we hold space for each other’s protective parts with compassion, curiosity, and care.

Come join us. You don’t have to do it alone. ♡