Dating and Relationships: The 10 Miracles That Happen When You Learn to Love Yourself

Love is love is love is love. Sometimes it’s directed internally; sometimes it’s directed externally, but it’s all one and the same. The love you experience “out there” is a direct reflection of the love you experience “in here”. It all begins with what you perceive and feel inside and so, there is really no way to experience love “out there” if you don’t first and foremost experience it “in here”.

Although I don’t believe that you need to love yourself first before entering a relationship with someone (read my article on that here), there are many amazing things that happen when you love yourself, whether you’re single and dating or already coupled.

Here are 10 miracles that happen in dating and relationships when you learn to love yourself (which, if you don’t know, is the exact thing I help people do– if you’re curious, explore my coaching packages here).

1. You choose someone who loves you like you want to be loved.

Because you know what genuine love feels like. It’s not quite the same as the chemical forms of attraction you may have experienced before, and it’s also not based on the thrill that comes from fighting and coming back together with someone who is ill-fitted to be your partner. It’s based on love that is rooted in your heart and that feels, knows, and wants to be with the heart of your partner. You’ve given the genuine, soulful kind of love to yourself and you now find yourself wanting to build on that and experience more of it rather than pick a partner who doesn’t love you in that way and then struggle to try and change them.

2. Your partner embraces and adores all of you, including your imperfections.

Because you’ve shown love and compassion to yourself for your own imperfections, you no longer berate yourself for them and no longer wish them away. Because you’ve stopped fighting with yourself and your perceived imperfections, your flaws and faults no longer stand out as imperfections. They are simply a part of the beauty that is you. Your partner loves you more purely, despite and even because of your faults, and you do the exact same for them.

3. Your dating life or relationship is naturally happier.

You’ve found inner contentment and peace inside of you, so it’s no wonder you’ve also found contentment within your dating partnership or relationship. You know what it takes to be content and you use the same principles and practices to either create or find that contentment in your relationship as you do within yourself. And just like that, the secret to happy relationships is out of the bag!

 

4. You feel more secure in looking for or being in love.

You’re not anxious about whether you’ll find love because you know you are lovable. If you’re coupled, you’re not anxious about losing love because you know that you’re worthy of it. If it doesn’t work out with this partner, you know you’ll be able to find it, or better, with another. You don’t feel scarce, but rather abundant, in love because you’ve learned how to generate it and give it inside of yourself. Thanks to that added layer of trust and security, you’re more likely to meet your ideal partner and more likely to create a deeper love in an existing partnership if you are already coupled.

5. You don’t feel much is missing in your relationship.

Because you know how to show yourself love in good times and in bad, you don’t feel that your life is lacking something important like you might if you ignored your needs and wants moment to moment and day to day. Because of the inherent and genuine confidence that follows suit, you no longer focus on how horrible it is not to have a partner and are therefore more likely to find one if you’re single. And, if you’re in a relationship, since you don’t feel like something is missing in your life, you’re unlikely to transpose that feeling into your relationship and interpret that something is missing there. So, it becomes much easier to feel fulfilled.

6. Your partner validates you.

A big part of learning to love yourself and to create that sense of inner contentment and peace inside of you is to validate yourself. When you love yourself, where you might have ignored your feelings before, you no longer do. Where you might have brushed over and ignored your thoughts, you’re careful not to do so. Where you might have dismissed your own feelings as silly or inconvenient, you no longer do. You validate yourself, what you think, and how you feel day in and day out. After all, there is no sense of self-love without it. Naturally– even though you don’t really need the external validation– your partner validates your life experience too.

7. Your life and happiness are your own.

Because you are capable of validating yourself and standing on your own two feet even though you may be in a relationship, you don’t depend on your partner to make you happy. This lets them off the hook big time! And, assuming they have also developed some sense or ability to love themselves, you are let off the hook too. Knowing that no one has to be anyone’s Prince Charming or Princess Pretty is quite a relief for the both of you. What will you do with this newfound freedom? Take a trip somewhere, perhaps?

 

 

8. You don’t take anyone’s sh*t.

When you love yourself, you honor your own needs and boundaries and have deep respect for why you need those things to be fulfilled and true for you in any given moment. If someone disrespects the boundaries you express or ignores the needs you share, you don’t simply smile and let it go to maintain the peace. Repeatedly disrespectful and belittling language, rude behavior, and other signs of a toxic relationship are easily visible to you now and you don’t stand for them. Instead, you effectively communicate your needs to your partner and know when boundaries need to be created. You know that you deserve to be treated with love and respect and you don’t settle for the facade of “love” (e.g., saying “I love you”) without the intention and action to back it up. Yes, this means that you may become more selective while dating. It also means that you might walk away from long-term relationships that were once a good fit and are no longer. You know that these are necessary steps in order to build a life of love that reflects the love inside of you, and so even though taking the steps may feel like an uncomfortable decision at first, you know they are incredibly worthwhile. When it comes time to take action, you don’t flinch.

9. Your partner treats you like the gold that you are.

“Baby, I’m worth it!” can very well become your new slogan because you finally know you’re worth it. Phew! You thought you’d never get here, but guess what, baby? You are here! You’ve offered kindness to yourself, time and time again. You’ve offered forgiveness to yourself for the spaces within you that once held shame and blame. You value, respect, and practice compassion with yourself and your partner takes it all as a cue for how they should treat you. The quality and extent of love that you give to you produces a quality and extent of love from your partner that is equivalent to gold. Your partner sees in you what you see in you. You treasure you, and hence, they treasure you too.

Your partner sees in you what you see in you. You treasure you, and hence, they treasure you too.

10. Your perspective transforms from gloom to growth.

“Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the loveliest person of all...?” The relationship between your partner and you is a mirror of the relationship between you and you. Naturally, when there is a disconnect somewhere in the relationship, you’ll notice this as a sign that there may, in fact, be a disconnect somewhere inside of you. You’ll feel inclined to use changes in the relationship as an invitation to look inside of yourself, rather than as a vehicle to judge or assume the worst of yourself or your partner. Viewing challenges in the relationship in terms of opportunities for mutual growth rather than a reason to feel doom and gloom is becoming your new norm. Every time you look within, and every time you learn and share, you grow more and more into the next and best version of you: a person capable of evermore joy, connection, possibility, and the happiest, healthiest, mutually giving and freeing relationship.

Happy relationships, like our individual happiness, are a journey. And like any journey, it requires support and guidance along the way. Check out my coaching programs– they are designed specifically to help you get to this kind of love within yourself and within your relationships. If you are reading this article, I know you’ve got what it takes. When you’re ready, reach out and let’s do it together!